


Wait - What?!

by Canttouchthis



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Ficlet Collection, Gen, Humor, Inspired by Booksmart, Luis from Ant Man Reference, MCU Reference, Ridiculous, Snakes on a Plane, Super Bowl, pyramid schemes, the amazing race - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:41:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 4,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27532453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Canttouchthis/pseuds/Canttouchthis
Summary: A series of ridiculous ficlets based off of movies, TV shows and other stuff that have literally no right being within a 10 ft pole of Harry Potter.Fics Include:Flobberworms on a Train (Based on Snakes on a Plane, starring Neville Longbottom as Samuel L. Jackson's character whatever his name was)Arthur Weasley and the Amazing Race (where Arthur helps Amazing Race contestants)Harry Potter and the Bag that Gets Bigger (where Harry and Ron go on Shark Tank)Harry Potter according to Seamus Finnegan (where Seamus describes the Harry Potter books like Luis from Ant Man describes things...)Draco Malfoy and the Pyramid Scheme (where Draco Malfoy becomes an Herbalife distributor)Bernie Sanders Malfoy (where the Malfoys accidently summon Bernie Sanders)Parchment Intelligence (where Hermione seeks to party cause she didn't before - loosely based on the movie Booksmart. Kind of, but not really, Dramione-adjacent)QUIDDITCH CUP SUNDAY! (in which the golden trio + Ginny watches the Quidditch Cup)Warning: This is 100% ridiculous. There's a lot of cursing.
Comments: 39
Kudos: 40





	1. Flobberworms on a Train

**Author's Note:**

> This first story is based, loosely, off of Snakes on a Plane - a classic.

“Professor Longbottom, would you please explain your actions on the train today?” Headmaster McGonagall had her eyebrows raised, her lips pursed.

Neville kept his head high, “We had - a situation ma’am. I did what I had to do.”

She looked skeptical, her eyes narrowed, “I’ll be the judge of that.”

* * *

It was supposed to be an ordinary train ride.

Neville didn’t typically take the train to Hogwarts - but after a few shenanigans by the notorious James Potter, Headmaster McGonagall asked him to accompany the children.

He shut his eyes at the telltale scream, followed by a near stampede, preparing to give a real stern talking to whatever student was causing such mayhem.

What awaited him was like nothing he could have imagined.

“AHHHH!” The students were shrieking, hopping left and right.

Neville swore as he saw the flobberworms, _everywhere_ . Just crawling, menacingly slow, their disgusting little bodies just - roaming. Thousands of them. “ALRIGHT EVERYONE,” he shouted, “IN THE LUGGAGE CAR - NOW!” He felt a rush of adrenaline as he sprinted through the train cars, flobberworms _everywhere_ , moving ever so slowly but in a completely _menacing_ manner.

He ran to the luggage car, confirming all the students were no longer in the individual compartments, his face painted in seriousness.

“WHERE THE FUCK IS JAMES POTTER?” He shouted over the cacophony of students.

James was obviously trying to hide, but the students surrounding him gave him a wide berth, suddenly terrified of their normally calm and collected Herbology teacher.

The 6th year stepped forward, attempting to appear innocent, “Yes, Professor Longbottom?”

“WHY ARE THERE FLOBBERWORMS ALL OVER THE TRAIN?” Neville boomed at the young man.

James looked thoughtful and considerate, “Well, I suppose sir that someone must have thought it would be a hilarious prank to bring thousands of flobberworms on the train.”

“Oh really Mr. Potter,” Neville deadpanned, “did you know, that flobberworms, in large groups, are able to form into Super FlobberWorms™? And that Super FlobberWorms, are actually slower and even _creepier_ than regular flobberworms.” He gave the boy a menacing smile.

James gulped, “No sir. But that’s _very_ interesting.”

Neville glowered at the boy, shaking his head. “Alright everyone,” the students were all facing him now with rapt attention, “we’re going to kill every single one of these flobberworms - you got that?” Everyone nodded their heads.

“WANDS OUT AND GET READY - WE’LL BE USING INCINDIO AND DIFINDO - LETS MOVE.” He led an epic group of older students, racing through the train. Spells flew, students fell to the ground, screaming as they felt the nastiness of the flobberworms goo all over them.

“I’M SICK OF THESE MOTHER FUCKING FLOBBERWORMS ON THIS MOTHER FUCKING TRAIN!” Neville shouted, letting out an epic INCINDIO and watched the last of the worms die out.

* * *

“So let me get this straight,” the Headmaster exhaled slowly, “you destroyed the Hogwarts Express because of - Flobberworms?

Neville looked incredulous, “They were everywhere! It was disgusting.”

“Ugh.” McGonagall sighed, shaking her head and signing the requisition request for a new train.


	2. Arthur Weasley and the Amazing Race

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur Weasley tries to help a couple of contestants from the Amazing Race.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special request from my sister. 100% ridiculous.

Jennifer Shooman and Bert Graigwore twisted their way through London, crashing haphazardly into two men.

“Oh! Hello!” One of the strange men said with a toothy grin, “Do you need help finding something?” The man man had startling red hair and was bouncing from foot to foot. His bright orange robes nearly blinded the pair.

“Er,” Jennifer started, eyes darting, out of breath, “we’re trying to find this place.”

“Oh!” The man once more shouted, “you’re Americans aren’t you? That’s so delightful!”

“Yeah…” Bert narrowed his eyes, giving a quick glance at Jennifer before pulling out a card, “we were told to turn  _ right _ onto Charring Road and stop at that which cannot be seen? Do you have any idea what that is.”

The man looked  _ very  _ thoughtful and turned to his companion, “Harry, son, what do you think?”

Harry’s face was red and he looked torn between embarrassment and amusement, “Er, Arthur, I’m sure I have no idea.”

“Hmm. I’d  _ really _ like to help you. What could it  _ possibly  _ mean.” Arthur’s brows were furrowed and he looked deep in thought.

Meanwhile, Jennifer and Bert were bouncing, eyes darting from their watches to the assortment of tourists and residents shuffling about. 

“Thanks, but uh, we only have 15 minutes-” Jennifer started.

“Oh I’m sure we can help you! Right Harry?” Arthur beamed, turning the card upside down and tapping it oddly, “Oh I’ve got it! It must be referring to the uh - what is it called Harry? Opthedifie? The place with the glasses?”

“Optomatrist?” Harry suggested, his lips quirking in amusement.

“Of course!” Arthur snapped, “That must be it. You see, I’m quite good at puzzles.” He handed the card back and gave them a rather rigid salute.

“Er, thanks, sir.” Jennifer grabbed the card and they started walking away slowly as to not alarm the strange man.

“Hey.” they heard the less crazy one, Harry jog up to them, “here.” He handed them the new card with a wink and took off.

“Wait - what?”


	3. Harry Potter and the Bag that gets Bigger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry and Ron go on Shark Tank.

_ “Next up in the tank, Bags that Get Bigger.” _

* * *

**START VIDEO**

“Hi - I’m Harry Potter!” Harry waved into the camera with his boyish smile.

“AND I’M RON WEASLEY!” Ron yelled, his mouth to the camera lens.

“Mate,” Harry whispered, “you don’t - just stay back.”

“Oh, alright.” Ron shrugged.

“So, yeah, we have these bags,” he pulled out a bag, “and uh, they get bigger.” 

Harry proceeds to press along a section on the bottom of the burlap bag and it did, indeed get bigger.

“We, uh, we had a rough 7 years at school,” Ron said pensively, his forefinger and thumb on his chin. 

“Yeah, there was this, Dark Lord, metaphorically speaking of course.” 

[The footage shifts to Harry watching a ziplock bag float in the wind.]

“Yeah, that was annoying,” Ron rolled his eyes, “but yeah, we thought - you know, it would be cool to have a bag - that could get, you know, bigger.”

[Footage shifts to Harry and Ron in a nondescript location poking at various burlap bags.]

**END VIDEO**

* * *

_ “Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are asking for a $1 Million dollar investment for a 10% stake in their company - Bags that Get Bigger.” _

“Hi Sharks!” Harry grinned, running his fingers through his hair excessively.

“So, tell us about your product.” Lori Grenier asked kindly.

“Thanks for asking!” Harry reached behind his back, pulling out a burlap sack, “it’s a bag, and it gets,” he pressed the bottom arbitrarily, “bigger.”

“Uh,” Kevin O’Leary shifted his head left to right, “does it - do anything?”

“I mean,” Ron frowned, “it gets better.”

“Alright,” Daymond John put his hands up, “let’s take a look.”

“Yeah! Great!” Harry exclaimed, rushing over to give each shark their own boring burlap bag.

“So,” Mark Cuban furrowed his brows, watching his bag get big and small, “it’s just a - burlap bag? That gets bigger?”

Harry nodded  _ vehemently,  _ “Yes!”

“But - why burlap?” Mark shook his head.

“We found some at Ron’s parents house.” Harry explained helpfully.

“You didn’t even  _ make _ the bag?” Kevin asked incredulously.

“...No?” Ron raised a single eyebrow.

Robert Herjavec mouthed to Daymond,  _ Is this a joke? _ Before turning to Harry and Ron, “Alright, so uh, what are your sales so far?”

Harry’s eyes went wide, “Uh - sales?”

Kevin gave a chuckle and shook his head, “Do you even have sales?”

“Uh, do we?” Harry whispered to Ron, a panicked expression on his face.

“No?” Ron suggested, with a reluctant shrug.

“Alright, well I’m out guys.” Mark said, shaking his head, “This is literally the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen.”

“Oh,” Harry looked crestfallen, “well, thank you for your time.”

“So,” Lori frowned, looking at the bag, “the technology to make the bag bigger is - interesting. Do you have a patent?”

Harry and Ron stared at each other and played a quick game of rock, paper, scissors. Finally, Ron responded, “ _ What _ exactly is a patent?”

Lori blinked at them, “Well, if you want to sell a product that uses the enlarging technology, you need to patent  _ how _ it’s done.”

Harry laughed nervously, “Oh yeah, we can’t do that. Nope. No no no.”

“Well, while I - don’t hate the two of you, I really think that if you want this company to grow you really need to have a patent,” Lori told them, “so I’m out”

“I’m out too,” Daymond told them, “I know a guy in the hood who would carry your stuff around for you for the rest of your life for well less than a million dollars. So a bag that gets  _ bigger _ ? No thanks.”

“Well?” Harry looked at Kevin expectantly.

“I have to say,” Kevin looked at the bag then back to Harry and Ron, “You should take this behind a barn and shoot it. I’m out.”

“Oh,” Ron looked very sad, “Well, thanks.”

* * *

“You WHAT?” Hermione huffed dramatically at Ron and Harry, “do you guys  _ not _ understand what the Statute of Secrecy is?”

“I mean.” Harry shrugged, “we didn’t tell them how it worked.”

“You’re unbelievable! What were you going to do when you got an investor? How were you going to mass produce it?”

“Sheesh, ‘Mione, we’re depressed enough. You don’t have to rub it in.”

* * *

_ A few months later _

Dudley smiled, turning on his favorite American television show,  _ Shark Tank. _

_ “Next up in the tank, bags that get bigger.” _

“Wait - What?!”


	4. Harry Potter According to Seamus Finnegan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright - so here me out - when you read this chapter, imagine Seamus is telling someone the story of Harry Potter in a similar way that Luis from Ant Man would explain a story. 
> 
> As always, this is 200% ridiculous. And apparently there's a whole of cursing....

“So, I get to Hogwarts, right? And there was this guy, Harry Potter, he was like:

> ‘Yo - I’m Harry Potter, I’m the chosen one. Voldemort tried to kill me but like, got dead instead.’

“And he was real tight with Ron Weasley, as my bro Dean Thomas says:

> ‘Ron Weasley is like - the chillest, bro.’

“Anyways, some troll shows up, and Harry’s like:

> ‘Where’s the nerdy girl? Hermione?’

“And everyone’s like:

> ‘Who cares?’

“But Harry’s like, real ethical and stuff, so he grabbed Ron and they went after her, and she was like:

> ‘Yo - thank you for helping me! I’ll do your homework for the next 7 years if you’ll be my friend!’

“So they become this weird trio - and like - proceed to do ridiculous stuff. Like this one time, first year, Neville said:

> ‘Those dicks froze me and went to a forbidden corridor to take down a three-headed dog!’

“And that was just first year, man. Second year, the chamber of secrets opened, and like, that shit was scary. Lavender said it best:

> ‘There’s nothing more nasty than a snake sneaking around your business’

“So the snake was all like, petrifying people and Draco Malfoy was all life:

> ‘Yo - I’m the heir of Slytherin. Bow down to me mother fuckers.’

“But like, that was ridiculous cause he was 12 years old. So anyways apparently Harry Potter can talk to snakes so Ernie MacMillan was like:

> ‘Harry Potter is totally the heir of Slytherin’

“But that like, doesn’t make sense! Cause he took down Voldemort, right? But it turned out, Ginny Weasley was being manipulated into doing it, Ron told me later:

> “It was a fucking diary man. Never write in a fucking diary.’

“Which was really good advice! Then in third year, this dude, Sirius Black, escapes from Azkaban. And there were dementors everywhere. And like, Parvati told me:

> ‘Everyone gained so much weight eating chocolate that year!’

“But like - I found out that Sirius Black was wrongfully accused! That’s messed up, right? Harry told me:

> ‘Yo man, wizarding law and courts and stuff is whack. Fight the power.’

“So in 4th year, kids from these 2 other schools show up and Dumbledore’s all:

> ‘We gonna have the tri-wizard tournament ya’ll!’

“And we find out like - people have died in the past - so everyone wants in. George Weasley explained:

> ‘Bro, 1000 galleons is worth your life.’

“But somehow Harry Potter also gets placed in the tournament, which really pissed off every Hufflepuff who had never had attention before in their lives. So Harry told me later:

> ‘It was a fucking trap! Voldemort’s a dick.’

“5th year was pretty sick. But we had the bitch Umbridge teaching us. Hermione even said:

> ‘She’s worst than fucking Trelawney.’

“But like - Fred and George messed with her which was  _ epic _ . Lee Jordan was all:

> “DANG that was sick. But like - Sirius Black died? That was sad.’

“Yeah, whatever, so 6th year was like - intense man. Everyone was all like, freaking out cause Voldemort was back but Ron was all:

> ‘Yo - I got in Lavender Brown’s  _ pants _ ’

“Yeahhhh boy. So then Draco Malfoy apparently tried to kill Dumbledore but like, Harry told me:

> ‘He totally whimped out like a little bitch!’

“And 7th year was lame AF. Until Harry and them came back and went all off on Voldemort.” Seamus finished.

“So, you don’t think Hogwarts is a good school for our son?” Seamus’ unnamed wife asked.

“Oh no! It’s brilliant!”


	5. Draco Malfoy and the Pyramid Scheme

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Draco Malfoy becomes an Herbalife distributor.

“Oh, it’s just a Muggle thing Malfoy, don’t worry about it,” Dean Thomas brushed the blonde off, turning around and counting to three in his head.

_ 1, 2- _

“Wait!” Malfoy shouted.

Dean smirked before schooling his features into a neutral expression, turning back around.

“What is it?” Malfoy asked, his eyes wide in curiosity. “I saw you showing it to Pansy in class. She said it was a guaranteed money making opportunity.”

Dean had known the best way to get Malfoy to bite was to suggest he wouldn’t be interested. He was quite pleased to see his plan had worked so effectively.

“Look - I really shouldn’t be telling you this-” Dean looked dramatically around the Potions hallways, audibly swallowing before returning his attention to Draco. “But there’s something called  _ Herbalife _ . It’s like - a potion the Muggles made. I managed to get my hands on a small stockpile. But  _ everyone _ wants it - it’s too hard for me to sell it all so I’ve been trying to recruit other sellers.”

Draco’s eyebrows raised. “You’re telling me you have more buyers than product?”

Dean nodded vehemently. “Absolutely. This potion - the Muggles go crazy for it! They take it with all their meals - but it’s too much for one person to sell. And people in this school? In Gryffindor alone….” he trailed off, gesturing his arms to imply a  _ huge  _ amount of interest.

“So, what does selling it entail?” Draco was clearly interested, Thomas could practically see the Galleons in his eyes.

“Well, basically, you need to sell the Herbalife - but as I said - it practically sells itself. That's why I'm finding other distributors.” Dean took a small sample out of his pack, showing Malfoy the powder.

“I don’t get it.” Malfoy frowned, looking at the packet.

“It’s like magic - you just put the powder in a drink or a food and it makes you lose a lot of weight,” Dean whispered, placing his finger over his mouth.

“Really?” Malfoy asked, his eyes alight with interest.

“Absolutely. But look - I shouldn’t have told you this - I’m sure you-”

Malfoy interrupted, “Oh, I’m in Thomas. There’s no way you’re keeping me out of this.”

Dean frowned, attempting to look fearful. “Malfoy - I dunno...you’ve never really been nice to Muggleborns or Gryffindors before...maybe-”

Malfoy scoffed. “Look Thomas. This isn’t personal - it’s business. I’ll take the lot.”

Dean’s eyes went wide. “Are you sure?”

He flipped his hand in a  _ ‘pshaw’ _ gesture. “I’m Draco Malfoy.  _ Of course _ I’m sure.”

* * *

“Hey - Theo! Man, I’ve got something to show you!” Draco ran up to his friend,  _ quite _ excited to present his newest business opportunity.

Theo appeared to make an effort not to roll his eyes. “What is it this time, Draco?”

Draco pulled out a pamphlet. “It’s called  _ Herbalife _ . It’s amazing - you take it - lose weight. It’s all the rage.”

Theo grabbed the pamphlet, furrowing his brows as he analyzed the different claims. “This is shit,” he told his friend.

Draco started to turn red. “What?”

“This is stupid - it’s just a powder.” Theo shrugged.

Draco scoffed, “You just don’t get it…” He walked away, 100% sure Theo just didn’t appreciate the amazing opportunity Draco presented him.

* * *

Draco’s attempts at selling Herbalife were not going well. He had gone through the Slytherins and the Ravenclaws, but all of them seemed so - small minded.

He sat in the library, and caught sight of Hermione Granger sitting alone with her books.

“Granger,” he called out as he took a seat next to her.

She narrowed her eyes, staring at him as though he were a particularly nasty bug.

“Why are you here?” she asked him.

“Look - normally, I wouldn't go to you for, well, anything - but I’ve recently come across something I think you’d appreciate.” He tried his best to smile but it rang false.

“Uh huh,” she mumbled, leaning her head into her hand and looking completely bored.

Draco huffed and pulled out some Herbalife. Granger immediately started laughing.

He frowned. “What’s your problem, Granger?”

She didn’t respond - rather, she kept on laughing. Wheezing, she managed to get out, “You sound like one of them Towie girls!”

After about five minutes of this, the laughter died down.

“Are you done?” Draco drawled, questioning why he had stuck around.

“Oh, you’re still here?” She was wiping tears from her eyes. “Herbalife is a pyramid scheme Malfoy.”

He blinked. “A what?”

“A pyramid scheme - it’s a Muggle business practice that’s unethical and sometimes illegal. It’s where a company uses “consultants” or other individuals to sell their product. Though what makes something a pyramid scheme is when the consultants are expected to find other consultants and so on…”

“That’s not it at all,” he said in a very regal manner.

“It is. Trust me.” She shrugged, apparently unbothered.

Draco considered the facts. Dean Thomas sold the product to him - that’s true. And then told him to find other sellers...

He felt his face pale. He was torn between  _ Obliviating _ Granger or asking her more questions.

“Who sold it to you Malfoy?” she asked.

Draco’s eye twitched and he mumbled, “Dean Thomas.”

She looked thoughtful for a moment and sighed. “Well, I’ll have a word with Dean and get your money back.”

He frowned, narrowing his eyes at the witch. “Why would you do that for me?”

She gave him an incredibly patronizing smile. “Because not even you deserve to become the victim of a pyramid scheme…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to ThusAtlas for the Towie reference!


	6. Bernie Sanders Malfoy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Malfoys attempt to summon an ancestor kind of. Bernie Sanders shows up instead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because of the Bernie Sanders with the Malfoys gif. The internet made me do it.
> 
> Thank you as always to [ThusAtlas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThusAtlas/pseuds/ThusAtlas) for enabling me.

“Why are we doing this again?” Draco moaned, letting the small droplets of pure red blood ooze from his palm and into the ominous cauldron. The viscous liquid bubbled ominously, a sort of _‘ooooooooo’_ emitting from the substance.

“We told you Draco, a Seer told us your Grandfather’s soul has been sighted in America. We are completing this ritual to bring him back,” Lucius explained once more, throwing head back to let his luscious locks list lavishly.

“It’s working,” Narcissa remarked, her eyes wide. She gripped Draco’s elbow, pulling him back and away from the brazenly boiling cauldron.

A man appeared before them, looking entirely unlike Abraxas Malfoy and completely unimpressed with his surroundings.

“Where am I? How did I get here?” he asked, his American accent grating the Malfoys’ ears like nails on a chalkboard.

Adult aged Draco covered his ears, his eyes watering. “Mummy, make it stop :(“

“Er,” Lucius started, “we believe you contain the soul of my late father, Abraxas Malfoy.”

The man’s eyes narrowed beneath his spectacles and he looked around the room warily. “What is this place? Why do you have all this artwork on the walls? And all the gold furnishings?”

Lucius scoffed. “We are the _Malfoys_ , sir. We have more money than the rest of Wizarding Britain combined.”

The man’s face went bright red. For a moment, the Malfoys thought his eyes would bulge completely from their sockets.

“It’s this kind of wealth hoarding that’s ruining America. The 1% has way too much and does everything they can not to pay taxes. We need to reform our tax system - impose a wealth tax on those with a high net worth. We need to be protecting…” he kept droning on.

“I don’t understand what’s happening right now. I thought this was grandpa,” Draco asked his parents, thoroughly confused.

Suddenly, Bernie leaned in and sniffed Draco's hair and shivered with pleasure. "Yes," he purred with vicious delight, "healthcare for all is a basic right."

“Sorry,” Bernie gruffed, his brows furrowed, “it seems the author of this is alternating between writing crack and a Dark!Hermione fic. ANYWAYS!

“...You people think you're better than the rest of us,” the man spat, “but I, Bernie Sanders, am here to tell you, you’re wrong!”

“That’s enough! Get out of my house!” Lucius barked, no longer able to take anymore of this — man’s —- nonsense. Even if he somehow contained the soul of his dear father.

“Fine!” the old man spat once more, as though that were the only way he had to speak, and attempted to stealthily take some of the gold left lying around.

On his way out, Bernie Sanders ran into none other than Hermione Granger. “Excuse me, miss,” he drawled.

“Oh! Are you Bernie Sanders?” Hermione asked, wide eyed.

Sanders looked utterly delighted to be recognized in this wretched place of worryingly wonton wealth. ‘Yes, I’m Bernie Sanders, and your campaign contribution would be much appreciated.”

“Er, right,” Hermione blinked. “Perhaps you can help me — I’ve just learned that the Malfoys currently have 10000000000 houseelves that are treated as the 99%!” she explained.

Bernie Sanders became completely serious. “Young lady, it is abhorrent when these rich people think they can just step on the rest of us. I think we should literally steal everything of these peoples, including these — Elves or whatever — and distribute their wealth to everyone else.”

Hermione beamed. “Let’s do it!”

And so, dear readers, Hermione Granger and Bernie Sanders developed a lifelong friendship, full of socialist ideology and a general distaste for excessive wealth.


	7. Parchment Intelligence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loosely based off of Booksmart. Note the word _loosely_ here; I watched Booksmart once on a plane 2 years ago and only vaguely remember it (although it was excellent...I remember that much...)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks to the intrepid ThusAtlas for ~~enabling~~ reviewing.

“Wait - what are you doing after Hogwarts?” Hermione asked her friend, incredulous.

“Auror Academy.” Harry shrugged, not getting the big deal.

“And you,” she grabbed Lavender Brown, “you’re, what, going to cosmetology school, right?”

“No,” Lavender gave her a side-eye, “I’m starting a Charms apprenticeship.”

“I don’t understand! You people - all partied and relaxed all 7 years! How is it that you all have these amazing job offers?” Hermione spat.

Harry looked distinctly uncomfortable, “Er, what did you like, not get a job?”

“No you idiot,  _ I _ got a great job. I’ll be clerking for a Wizengamot member!” She held her head high, “But  _ I _ deserve it. I’ve been working my ass off the last 7 years while you all have just been - partying!”

“Alright, Hermione,” Ginny grabbed her arm and pulled her back, “Let’s not make a scene.”

She pulled Hermione into a conveniently empty Charms classroom.

Hermione huffed, “Did you know?”

“What?”

“That  _ all _ of these little shits we went to school with partied  _ and _ apparently have found good jobs after graduation!” Hermione ranted.

Ginny scoffed, “Those fuckers!”

“Right?” Hermione shook her head, “I just feel like, what was the point?”

“I have a plan,” Ginny had a glint in her eye, “Let’s get  _ really  _ fucked up tonight at that conveniently timed end of year party and have 7 years worth of fun in one night.”

“That’s an amazing idea!” Hermione agreed, hugging her friend, “And I can use that time to finally tell Ron that I want to bang him!”

“Hermione,” Ginny frowned, “he’s still my brother.”

“Oh, sorry.”

* * *

“OMYGOD I’M HAVING THE BEST TIME!” Hermione shouted, waving a bottle of Cristal around. 

“Hey - glad you guys finally came out!” Ron told her jovially.

“Thanks.” She blinked at him in a way she hoped was seductive. He gave her an odd smile and backed away.

“Hey, Granger.”

“WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT MALFOY FSIUDHFIUSDFUISEFD,” she groaned.

He rolled his eyes,.“Just saying hey.”

“You’ve been a dick to me for the past 7 years!” She pointed out.

“Well, yeah, cause you were first in our class.” He shrugged.

“Ugh, just, I gotta find Ron.”

But when she found Ron he was kissing Lavender Brown.

“Ginny!” Hermione cried to her friend in the bathroom. “I just - I can’t.”

“Oh - buck up. Go kiss someone else.” Ginny had a certain glint in her eye (again).

Hermione turned around and Malfoy was standing there. “What?” she scoffed.

“Just — you know, I would never go off kissing Lavender Brown,” he told her.

She turned and saw once more Ron kissing Lavender, their mouths doing some sort of weird wet thing that made her...really uncomfortable.

“Yeah, alright.” She shrugged and kissed Malfoy.

* * *

“So,” Ginny asked her the next morning, “how’d it go last night? I saw you and Malfoy snogging?”

Hermione smiled, biting her lip. “It was - nice.”

“So,” Ginny elbowed her in the side, “are you two like - a thing?”

Hermione froze. “Gin - he’s  _ Malfoy _ . Don’t even joke about that.”


	8. QUIDDITCH CUP SUNDAY!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ron is PUMPED for Quidditch Cup Sunday!
> 
> That's right, it's super bowl Sunday and I have no chill.
> 
> This is kind of, but not really at all, a song fic based on the song "Super Bowl Sundae".

It was Ron’s favorite day of the year - Quidditch Cup Sunday! It didn’t matter who was playing; he looked forward to seeing the two best teams in the league duke it out.

“Ron, what did you want to do tonight?” Hermione called out to him from the kitchen.

Ron laughed, ‘cause what kind of question was that?

Hermione came out and frowned. “Is everything alright?”

He sent her a patronizing smile. “It’s Quidditch Cup Sunday! Obviously, we’re going to watch the match.”

She groaned. “It’s Quidditch Match Sunday  _ already _ ?” 

He nodded, completely ignoring her mood. “Yesssssssss!” He went to turn on the Wizard!Television to watch the commentators.

_ “We’re expecting an exciting game! Blah blah blah…” _

“Oh, Mione?” Ron sent her an adorable smile.

“What is it?” she asked with a slight huff.

“Can you go to the store and pick up beer, nachos, ice cream, pizza, Wizard!Trader Joe’s/Waitrose frozen stuff, burgers, chicken wings, fried chicken, popcorn shrimp, spinach artichoke dip, sour cream and onion chips/crisps and a veggie tray?” he asked, his face pleading.

Hermione placed her hands on her hips and flared her nostrils. “No.”

Ron made a really sad frown. “Please? Harry’s coming over.” He gave her super sad puppy dog eyes.

She huffed. “Finnnnnnnnnnne.”

* * *

Quidditch Cup Sunday was epic of course. The two teams playing were super talented. Quidditch things were absolutely happening.

But the best part was the  _ commercials _ . And the food. 

“Shhh! A commercial is starting!” Ginny called out. The four (Hermione, Ron, Harry and Ginny in case it wasn’t obvious) immediately quieted. 

_ “Has your wand been acting up lately?”  _

_ A middle aged looking wizard looks down at his crotch and does a half shrug. _

_ “Well - you’re in luck! From the potioneers who brought you the ‘Chillaxative’, we now have ‘Wand Hard!’ - a new potion that will ensure your wand”- someone winks into the camera -”is always ready for action” _

“That’s a great commercial,” Harry remarked, nodding his head sagely, dipping his crisp/chip into some sort of salsa.

The game went on, with epic commercials throughout.

“I don’t understand why you all get so excited. You don’t even like these teams!” Hermione pointed out.

All three of them (aka Harry, Ginny and Ron) looked at her with red in their eyes.

“What?” she asked, looking super innocent.

“ITS QUIDDITCH CUP SUNDAY!” Ron yelled, full of passion.

They all started chanting (coincidently to the tune of the song “Super Bowl Sundae”):

_ Quidditch Cup Sunday _

_ This is Quidditch Cup Sunday _

_ Quidditch Cup Sunday _

_ This is Quidditch Cup Sunday _

Hermione rolled her eyes and reminded herself it was only one day a year.

**Author's Note:**

> I have a few more movies in my head - but will take prompts...they must be completely ridiculous.


End file.
